The most important thing of all: You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it. This means that you have to do some personal growth and changing. The most important ‘thing’ is your own growth. Too often all we focus on, is the problem itself. You are part of the problem and the only thing you can FIX is you.
Fixing Another Person
YOU meet someone wonderful, you are excited and happy, UNTIL you find out that this person has already been married 5 times. No problem, they got unlucky and need nothing but YOUR unconditional love! (I bet that at least 3 of the 5 thought the same.)
They take you for granted so you double up on showering them with attention, you spend your time thinking of ‘cute and creative ways’ to express your love. No problem, you do more and more so they finally see how much you care.
All your new interest can do is bad mouth his last love, you hear dreadful, horrifying stories and feel sympathetic, for about a week. The stories do not end, and weeks later you can recite them by heart. No problem, you just have to PROVE you are different.
You met the man/woman of your dreams, you have been dating steadily for a few months and you are anxious to know where the relationship is headed. He/She tells you they care for you but are not ready for a commitment. No problem, you cry, have a tantrum, send flowers daily, show up ‘unexpectedly’ to events you know they will be at. Honor what another tells you, they also have rights in your relationship. If they are not ready, and you are, back off, if that is too painful, leave.
Your new interest seems to be judging you by his/her past relationship patterns. You really were at your sisters house until 11pm poring over old family photographs. No problem, you buy a pager because he/she said your cell phone was not working.
Your new interest is starting to lose interest, you are beginning to panic. No problem, you rush to the bookstore and buy a copy of the Kama Sutra and books on how to please your lover, then you go right out to buy new teddies and call him to say that you have changed and your sex life will be so exciting now.
Your new interest has major money challenges, he is vague about money and often seems to be cashless and expect you to pay the whole bill, not just half. He shows you his latest toys. Does anyone really need a 2 gallon super squirter, and the 300 dollar remote controlled airplane that he has not assembled, it WAS marked down from 400. He casually mentions his cell phone is out, he just forgot to pay that bill and had no idea he had gone over his time limit calling YOU. He is sad you can no longer talk. No problem, you pay that bill and present him with a better phone and plan with even more minutes which you have prepaid for 3 months while he ‘catches up’ on past bills.
Do you see how futile all of the above is? You cannot fix anyone, it is impossible. Most of us are not even sure we need fixing anyhow. The only person you can fix is you. Are you needy and eager to please? Is it reciprocated?
Imagine that you are a fountain, your water is brimming over touching every person you come into contact with. You are touching them and affecting them in ways you cannot even see. One day you decide you want to change and have pretty purple water. You start changing and the water changes from a light purple into a deep purple over time. Every single person you encounter gets a touch of this purple now. The people you spend the most time with get very purple. You have changed them by changing you. People you have had no contact with for ages FEEL that you have purple water now and want to reach out to you, and see for themselves. My point here is that you can only fix or change yourself. In doing that, others too are changed.
Relationships: Everyone has different problems in relationships but it seems letting go of them is one of the most common. If this is a stumbling block for you, you need to detach and give yourself time to heal and recover. I find so many people do not set boundaries in relationships. They have a busy life and as soon as they are in a relationship, their life is nothing but waiting by the phone, being upset when that person does not call, being upset when it is not moving at the pace they want. They just wait and wait and get frustrated and then wait some more. They create more waiting. Their mate knows they are waiting and feels pressure to perform. Once they feel the pressure they BALK at it. Why set up this type of scenario in the first place? Your life does not stop, or get put on hold, because another enters it.
So when you meet Mr./Ms Wonderful, you do not stop doing what you do now. If you are passionate about painting and they are passionate about building miniature robots, you do not try to build robots too. You do not lose who you are to please another. It is your very individuality that attracts others.
If your sister said “Hey, I may have time to drop by tonight, it may be late because I might go out with the gang, I am not sure yet, and will let you know”, you would have no problem saying, “Sounds like fun but Mary and I want to go to a late movie and we both are free tonight, so lets try another night”. You have just set a boundary. If your sister said “I will call you at noon on Saturday” and by 1pm she had not called, you would have no problem leaving the house to go to the library to check out the latest thriller. You just set another boundary when the excuse call comes at 2pm and you are not there. You do not have to say a thing, because your actions say it all for you. If you can do this with a sister or friend, why not with your current interest?
Wisdom: I was at a conference with Moonangel656 (Amy), earlier in the day we had been discussing relationships, how lost we, our friends, and others had been when they ended. A psychic, and life counselor, Sonia Choquette was speaking and doing random readings for the audience. A woman stood up, obviously upset, her relationship of three years had just ended. She asked Sonia why it had ended. What Sonia told her was amazing “Your soul was crying, you lost who you were in this relationship and became who you thought he wanted you to be. It had to end so you can reclaim yourself.” Amy and I looked at each other, got our notebooks out and began to write. Your life is not just about your relationship, it is about you. As much as we hurt when a relationship ends, sometimes the answer is reclaiming ourselves. We may want the relationship back so much that we lose ourselves once again trying to reclaim it, rather than who we are. We may want it so much we are willing to become another person. I have seen so many couples reunite and break off again because it was too soon. No changes had been made, they fell into the same patterns. A breakup can be a very positive thing. It gives you time to reclaim yourself, decide what you want your relationship to look like, feel like, and be. Many times, when you can distance yourself from the emotional pain, you can see it was not what you wanted. It is fine and healthy to still love the other person, what is unhealthy is putting your own life on hold, and not loving yourself enough to put you first.