How to Sabotage a Relationship
The Injustice Collector
The injustice collector Is fond of saying things like, "When we get back together, will I get a full apology?" "I cried for weeks, will he/she understand how badly they hurt me and TELL me so?"
Most of these people want him/her back and cannot understand why the ‘guilty’ party is not eager to rush back into their accusing arms. They feel there is some cosmic debt owed them and by golly this person better pay for it! The guilty party has been told of his/her ‘sins’ so many times that the last person they want to be in a relationship with is the one that cannot stop reminding them of how bad they were, how cruel, how thoughtless. They have apologized and that is not good enough. Somehow in this twisted way of thinking they feel the other will come back to them and make amends and try harder. He/she owes them something and they want their payback, WRONG.
Guilt is not an aphrodisiac.
The injustice collector remembers every sin except the ones they themselves are guilty of.
I have a friend who called the other day furious that her husband had cancelled vacation plans because of a work related situation. "The last time he did this we almost split up, how could he do this to me again?" I happen to know the last time he did this was before their daughter was born and she is almost twenty years old. Her anger was as fresh as if this had happened to her a month ago. She tells me stories I have heard again and again about how her life has been just one injustice after another. Most of these stories are over ten years old. This couple is miserable together. He has his own list of her injustices, they recite them weekly. There is never any atonement for past ‘sins’.
Forgiveness is a process, just when you think you have done it, something crops up to remind you of past hurts. Usually distance is needed to heal and to forget. You have to make a giant effort to put the past behind you. If there is to be any hope at all for this relationship, both parties have to make some major changes. That means no more reminders of the past. Many times when looking at relationships that have ended, I see a chalkboard. There are so many different colors of chalk on the board from all the times this relationship has started and ended, that I cannot read anything. It looks like a big bunch of scribbles. The client is asking if there is hope for this relationship, the guides are saying yes, only if this client thoroughly cleans this blackboard. This means the scary ‘F’ word.
You cannot forgive someone and hold it over their head. You cannot subtly remind them of how ‘good’ you were to forgive them and give them another chance. This is not a relationship, this is parole.
How do you forgive someone who has hurt you? By saying again and again "I forgive Joe/Mary and release him/her to the Holy Spirit." The word forgiveness is a verb.....it is also a choice. Do not make this choice without giving it a lot of thought. Follow through. You are accountable for your own actions.
The Control Freak
This person needs to know everything. Their mate cannot have an hour unaccounted for in their day. They ask endless questions and their mate feels poked and prodded and usually gets rebellious and refuses to answer that they were at Home Depot for 90 minutes just ‘looking’. They know they will be bombarded with "Looking at what?" "Did you see anyone you know?" "Did you talk to anyone?" "What did you look at?" "Did you buy anything?" "How can you spend over an hour there when you know I wanted to be with you?" "Why did you buy Black and Decker, the other models are really less expensive, I will return it for you."
The CONTROL FREAK is usually about as subtle as a bulldozer. They feel that they know best what’s good for everyone involved, so why should anyone else make any decisions?
This person is another form of the control freak only with a twist. They are adept at finding passwords to email accounts, they listen and record all phone messages, they drive by their interests work place to make sure they are at work. They drive by his/her home to see if anyone is there.
They make friends with his/her friends and family to keep tabs on them. They do this even if there is no relationship. They feel they have the right to know. They rifle through glove boxes, medicine cabinets, bedside tables, looking for evidence. The problem this creates is that they always get caught eventually and the other person feels stalked and as though they would rather be in a room full of bad Elvis impersonators than with this person. Even when they are in a relationship the person being spied on is getting "You are untrustworthy and will let me down" messages and sooner or later they will live up to that expectation. If you find yourself doing this, stop, no GOOD comes of it.
Looks for hidden meanings in even the simplest of conversations.
"He said my lasagna was great but he could not eat too much of it because he needs to watch his weight, is he trying to tell me I am too fat?" "She said she is not ready to be engaged, she loves me but feels she needs time to make sure of her feelings, is she seeing another man?"
"He gave me flowers for no special reason, do you think he cheated on me?"
"He called me twice today and never said I love you and he usually does, is he losing interest?"
When this person feels ‘he’ is losing interest and is becoming interested in a Jane, they do crazy things like taking soap and painting a big heart with a J in the middle of it on his car, so he will think Jane did it. They set up new email accounts to send him sexy anonymous emails to see if he will respond. They buy 2 cans of beer that are not his brand and leave them in their refrigerator so he will wonder if she has been seeing another man. They have a girlfriend phone them at precisely 10:02 pm and giggle and laugh so he will wonder who is calling her.
The Golden Rule still applies. If you are not happy in a relationship you need to spend time understanding why, then make positive changes. If your mate is not making you happy, are you expecting too much? If you are wondering where the relationship is headed, ask your mate. If your mate says he/she is not looking for a serious relationship, honor that. Tell them "I am looking for a serious relationship and understand that you are not, therefore as much as I care, it’s best for me to honor my own desires and leave". Yes this is tough. This cannot be done to manipulate another person. You have to do this from a place of love and integrity.